i hate that i love you

I hate that I love you so much. I can't stand that I can't be without you. You've grown to be so much of me and now I can't help but to need you every hour, minute, every second of every day. I'm sorry.

out of my system

Things are getting so much harder and things are so much different. I don`t know what to do anymore and I don't know how to stop you from hurting. Every time you cry it breaks my heart. But I cant handle this anymore. I need time to myself, time to think. Everything isn't working out for me right now and I'm scared enough as it is already and I know I'm going to lose you. I guess you would say I'm giving up on you, you just might be right. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess from here on out whatever happens, happens. Your to much of me and it's going to be hard to be without you, maybe my problem is I need you to much.

Not the same, uncertainty, losing and leaving it all.

I dont know how i`m supposed to feel right now nor do I know what to do. I dont know if I want to continue with this. I feel like i`m being tied down. My mind is telling me to let it go and I think my heart is telling me the same thing. I`m not who I used to be. Now i`m more indecisive, i`m not so happy, I am extremely confused about alot. I need to let everything go. It may hurt but I have to do what I have to do. I feel like i`m so over all this shit thats been going on. I`m losing myself. I`m losing her. I already lost my family. I`m losing my life. This is the first time I can say I honewstly don`t know what to do anymore. I`m reading to just give up everything.

there is a storm coming

I''m so in love but I can't help to think that it will end in disaster. The longer your with me the harder things are going to get. Things might get so unbearable at times that you just want to run and hide alone. I feel like I don't want you to choose between me and your family. It shouldn't be like that but unfortunately this is how things are. I feel that your family has way more importance to you than I do. Who's to say that I'll be alive tomorrow to love you? Who's to say that you'll love me to the end? With me there are so many questionable circumstances but with your family its forever. I don't think that its fair to you. Your family should love you for who you are and what you do not for whom you love. But for us its different. Its so hard hiding our relationship from people because it hurts to hide who you love. Love is Joy and Joy is life so if we hide our love is there no joy in life? As of right now there is internal joy but a reality of agony from hiding your true happiness. How happy can one person be without the acceptance of their family or loved ones? I know I love you with all my heart and I know that I can love you until the end of my forever but I don't know how long your forever is. I feel as if your pushing away from me. I feel deep down in my heart that your going to run from me when times get to be to much. you say you don't want to lose me but your not willing to do or to deal with absolutely everything to be with me like i am with you. Your relationship with your parents, family, friends mean the world to you how can you really give that up for me? I feel like my love for you will never go away but I know I'll have to push it to the side to play that best friend role instead of as your lover the role I'd rather play. I don't know if I could just actually be just your friend, after loving you this badly I honestly don't believe that I can settle for a friendship. I couldn't ever see you with someone else it would crumble my soul and shatter my heart. I love you so much. I don't know if I should be with you anymore. I know you wont make the decision to leave me but i know you don't want to lose your family so I think I might make the decision for you. I love you enough to let you go. I'm sorry.

MAYA Angelou QUOtes

- "Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. "

- "Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."

- "For Africa to me... is more than a glamorous fact. It is a historical truth. No man can know where he is going unless he knows exactly where he has been and exactly how he arrived at his present place."

- "I believe we are still so innocent. The species are still so innocent that a person who is apt to be murdered believes that the murderer, just before he puts the final wrench on his throat, will have enough compassion to give him one sweet cup of water."

- "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

secret love

I sat down beside you looking at your profile,
as you turned to me showing me your beautiful smile...
the look in your eyes I captured in my heart,
and from this day I knew I never wanted to depart...

So how do I say what is inside so true,
for someone so beautiful and special as you...
the feelings so deep and real inside,
it hurts so much because I continue to hide...

Feeling this way both you and I,
each day wondering when alone we sit and cry...
knowing together we will never be,
for there is no future for you and me...

Secret love that is so wrong,
but in our hearts we do belong...
together forever loving the way we do,
wanting so much but we just have no clue...

The risk we take every single day,
when we are together in every way...
for now we are hurting and it hurts so much,
so together we lie in each others loving touch...

As our day ends and we must go,
home to our loved ones we both just don't know...
what the future holds for it is blind,
that our secret love remains stuck inside our mind...

having trouble hiding your insecruities?

in⋅se⋅cu⋅ri⋅ty 
 /ˌɪnsɪˈkyʊərɪti/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [in-si-kyoor-i-tee]

Use insecurities in a Sentence
–noun, plural -ties.
1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt: He is plagued by insecurity.
2. the quality or state of being insecure; instability: the insecurity of her financial position.
3. something insecure: the many insecurities of life.

Origin: 1640–50; < style="FONT-VARIANT: small-caps" href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=insecure&db=luna">insecure, -ity
Synonyms:2. precariousness, shakiness, vulnerability.

She Convinced me..

I spoke with a cousin of mine who is a sergeant in the Air Force and she convinced me that the Air force is much better for me. The Air Force is bigger on education. To enlist in the Air force you have to contain intelligence. This branch of the military is the most challenging when it comes to the educational part. And i'm ready to follow my dream.

SERIOUS ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!

RAGE

noun.
1. angry fury; violent anger.
2. a fit of violent anger.
3. fury or violence of wind, waves, fire, disease, etc.
4. violence of feeling, desire, or appetite: the rage of thirst.
5. a violent desire or passion.
6. ardor; fervor; enthusiasm: poetic rage.
7. the object of widespread enthusiasm, as for being popular or fashionable: Raccoon coats were the rage on campus.
8.Archaic. insanity.
–verb (used without object)
9.to act or speak with fury; show or feel violent anger; fulminate.
10.to move, rush, dash, or surge furiously.
11. to proceed, continue, or prevail with great violence: The battle raged ten days.
12. (of feelings, opinions, etc.) to hold sway with unabated violence.—Idiom
13. all the rage, widely popular or in style.

Sleepless Nights..

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Last night I didn't go to sleep. I was up all night thinking about everything and everyone. Especially my wife and my best friend. Those two are very most important people to me in my life. They both have been there for me in the worst of times and they found a way to push through with me every time. I've lost friends because they weren't really who they said they were. But both Miriam Marina and Christina Lea were a MILLION times more than what they said they were going to be.. In a matter of time they grew to be apart of me. Without them there is no me. They may not understand that this is the time that I need them the most. I am the most sensible person in the world and I 100% understand how they feel and how they feel is very very extremely important to me. Things will only get harder from here. Can you stand the rain? I need you to, I really really need you to be able to handle this with me. I cant have the two of them giving up on me. And I`m sure they wont because they are amazing people and they have AAALLLWWAAYYYSSS been there for me.

There will be many tears shed before I leave and after. But just know your both in my heart along with the rest but your name is written in a special place. I`ll be away from the one that my soul calls for every second of every minute of every hour of every day and of every month. Thats going to be the hardest thing. Forget boot camp, A.I.T., combat. Forget all of that, being away from her will be the hardest...

Some people arent understanding why I say this is selfish. I call this dream of mine selfish because I`m taking myself away from the people who love me and thats not fair to them. It`s not fair to my wife that she wont be able to kiss my lips, hold my hand, or even have me make love to her when she wants to. My best friends wont be able to have me to talk to when something is wrong. They`re going to have to fend for themselves for as long as I am gone and that might be incredibly hard for some.

In 5 months it`ll be January. January 2Oth is when I turn 18. And I`m off to boot camp.

[(As the sun Rises it will be a NEW day.)]

Since i`m only 17 I need my grandparents concent and I hope they dont take this dream away from me, i`ll be so heart broken.

I LOVE YOU MIRIAM MARINA &+ CHRISTINA LEA !!!!!

Army Strong..

Today is July 25, 2009. currently: 2.37 aM

Yesterday was the day I made up my mind completely. I decided that I am going to the Army. Today I researched just about everything about the Army and I became more and more excited to go. I've heard everyone`s opinions. I have some supporters and some not so much. I feel this is something that I'm really going to just do for myself. This is a VERY selfish decision but not really at the same time. For most people it is hard to fathem why I would make such a choice. Why would I put my life on the line nearly 99.9% of the time by going to the army? I choose to do this because its something a MILLION times bigger than myself. A dream to put honor behind my last name. Maybe even to be a inspirations to those around me.. Maybe I can actually make my grandparents proud of me for once, well hopefully they are. Its hard to make them proud because of them hating me so much... The careers I chose are Psychology Operations Specialist, Mental Health Specialist, Air and Missile Defense. There are over a 150 jobs and careers to choose from, which ones right for me? we`ll see.

Although this is my dream it is the hardest dream that I ever had to follow. I have to leave behind my family, friends, and the love of my life. I have to leave them here pondering on the fact of whether or not I am alright. If there is a time when goodbye is forever my grandparents will get a knock on the door letting them know that my duty has ended and God called me home. But I`m praying to God I`m able to come back home the way I left but only as a better person and have her run into my arms. I know it`s hard for people to deal with the fact that I might die in the Army but just know I would be dying happy. But my courage gives me the strength to want to live so I PROMISE I WILL FIGHT FOR MY LIFE as well as for this country. This job is what is going to mold into what I need to be. A strong disciplined woman with the capability to do anything and everything. My heart is calling for this job and its been doing it since i was 12 years old.

Your scared? As of right now I`m not scared but definitely more so excited. I`m sure when the time comes for me to say "See you Later" at this point goodbye is no longer in my vocabulary because Goodbye is fffooorrreevvverr. I have never been so sure about something in my life. With this decision comes a plethora of other opportunities. Being in the Army will make me a stronger person than I already am. I need the discipline sooo badly.

I am beyond ecstatic, beyond happy, and beyond excited. This decision has my soul smiling...!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D

....to be continued...

my past is becoming my present...

i dont know why i feel the way i do.. with everything thats been going on i have people around me that need my attention every second and they have demands that apparently i have to meet.. im back at the point where i was even a year ago.. i have a feeling of such disgust with everyone and everything... and now im starting to resent a lot of people that are surrounding me. Im trying my best to love and cherish everybody because apparently its my job.. i only know how to fix things on my own and now im at a point where i dont know what to do. and you and everyone else expect me not to have an attitude or not to be upset.. everyone says its ok but doesnt let me have my space to deal with things the best way i know how... im not myself and im not sure what to tell you.. i cant even find the words to describe how i feel... anger isnt a strong enough words, sadness isnt a good enough term, hurt isnt good enough either.... even after everything that happened some way im still alone.. at this point and time be alone is what i have to do.. i need not to be tied down and fixed with other people but in my own strength that im trying to fester up i will do it on my own... ** your so anxeious to hear that i wad going to brake up with you... still wondering?...

at a point i just want all of this to be over... this is another time just like when i was thirteen years old. what happened wasnt a mistake.. that just might happened again im sure no one would mind... i wont be doing much loving these days..

NOT WHAT A REAL BEST FRIEND WOULD DO!!!!

today was a crazy day... to be a good friend means to actually be there for a friend in need.. today i experienced something that taught me alot... there are many ppl on this earth that are super self-centered and care about nothing but thereselves.... today one of my friends was left to fend for herself.. well not necessarily because she had me.. what i mean when i say that is her own best friend wasnt there for her... she was without her best friend crying in hysterics in my arms... she came to me sobing and i was there with open arms as always.. my whole life my grandparents have been calling a demon.. but im the one always there for ppl.. even ppl that i dont know.. if someone needs a helping hand i'll so my best to help them out.. and i especially will be there for my best friend... this friend of mine has been friends with her best friend since they were in 7th grade and now there both 9teen.. and her best friend happens to be my cousin... and there have been countless times when i told my friend not to be bothered with my cousin because shes self centered.... today my friend got kicked out of her house and her parents called the cops on her as well as her dad stepping back and punching her in the face and all this for not much of a reason at all.. her parents went as far as kicking her brother and his friend out also today.... and my cousin has yet to be there for my friend... i couldnt have a best friend like that....

strength

"To be strong means to have the ability to adapt to the difficulties or changes of any circumstances"

strength

" To be strong means to have the ability to adapt to the difficulties or the changes of circumstances."

1ST is THE WORST &++ 2ND is THE BEST

I gave up the first love of my life for the second.. The first love of my life tended to hurt me quite often.. and at times i felt like she just didn't know what to do with being in a relationship with me.. i loved her since i layed eyes on her and because i loved her so much i was willing to put up with everything and anything for her.. and that is exactly what i did... i fell more and more in love with her... and for a year and a few months she had my heart still. but not completely... but i knew i still loved her and i just felt like it wasn't meant for us to be together... at a period of time i started to hate her because everything she said i thought it was a lie.. and i hurt her.. but you could never say i intentionally hurt her.. not my style.... but i found the second Love of my life... and Ive been with her and every second is better than the one before it... i have never loved someone as much as I L0VE MIRIAM MARINA .... she has been my angel since the day she spoke to me... there aren't words to explain... even though i still loved the first one she came in and she gave me a change of heart.. and she made my heart call for her..

I've been hurt so many times and i have yet to be hurt by Ms. Marina and i never plan on it... but at times I'm so afraid of losing her... its almost like at times it way to good to be true and maybe i shouldn't think like that but i cant help it.... my first love Ariana came with baggage but it was OK because i loved her and i put up with everything to be with her and she did the same in return but something about her just baffled me at times.... i just felt like things weren't a 100% and i knew it was time to go.. and letting her go was one of the best decisions of my life.. sounds harsh,, it s the TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH HURTS....

To the love of my life

I fell in
with an angel before December 12th 2008….I’ve been in love ever since…
You mean so much to me and I cant lose you… I’ve gotten to a point where I need you beyond measure. You’ve left your footprints on my heart forever and there will never be another person to walk through my heart just as you did. I just want to be the one that can take you away from everything you’ve seen.. I CAN promise you that I’ll NEVER hurt you because your apart of me….. your a lot more than my better half you’re my everything, my heart, my soul, my best friend and most importantly you’re the air I breathe…… With every step I take you are there to hold my hand and to catch me if I fall… you there to wipe my tears away even though there are few of them to catch… if my heart is broken your there to mend it back together, your there when no one else is…… I cant really explain to you how much I love you because there aren’t words good enough for me to use….. you showed me a type of love, a love I’m just not used to and you made me fall for you in a matter of days.. everything you do expresses the love you have for me therefore I’m left with no doubt… All I ever wanted was to be loved &+ you did that without me even asking and that made my mind, my heart and my soul call for you every minute, every second of every day….. At times it hurts so bad to be away from you… not to be able to cup your face in the palms of my hands &+ kiss your lips just to say I love you or not being able to roll over &+ hold you until we fell asleep…. &+ no matter how hard I try I can never get the thought of you out of my head… you’ve made me see the truth, you’ve brought joy to my life, you made the wrong in me right, and you made almost every dream of mine come true &+When you touch me you send me to kiss the sky and I cant explain to you how grateful I am to have you to call my girlfriend…. As long as I have you nothing else matters at all… you’ve been my inspiration and my world is much much better place because of you.. and I say to you you’re my eyes when I cant see and you’re my ears when I cant hear and you’re my voice when I cant speak…. Everything I am is because you took the time to love me….. and I know what I feel, you feel so hopefully you feel the love I have for you is beyond real and hopefully its all you ever hoped for….. I can do nothing but promise that I’ll continue to give you the best of me …… it breaks my heart at the thought of ever having to lose you ::: someone that is my absolute everything….. I know that I couldn’t handle it even though I’ve been thru hell and back none of that matters…. I guess losing you would be my breaking point…. Baby all I can ever ask of you is to continue to love me the best way you know how… if things came along that you couldn’t handle and you felt like you had to leave you’d be taking my heart with you even though I’m not coming along with it….. storms will come but can you stand the rain:: ?