10 years without you and no end

Eight days from now it will be 10 years ago my mother died. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think about her. The fact that i'm starting to forget things about her is scaring me. I'm forgetting the sound of her voice and thats whats most important to me. Everyday I fear of forgetting everything about my mother. I want to remember and I need to remember for me and my children in the future. Sometimes I hate God for taking her away, sometimes I dont feel that shes gone, sometimes I'm fine with the way things are. Sometimes I get really depressed and angry other times I kind of forget shes been dead for nearly ten years. I love my mother and I miss her very much. At times I need her so badly but I remember that i've been by myself for so long and I've never needed anyone but myself or my fiancee, well ex, whatever you get the point. There are a lot of times when I hate being alone but its been like that for so long I dont know how to be any way else.

Always Remember

" I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels to much, talks to much, takes to many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laugh and cries."

- Theodore Isaac Rubin

Today is Valentine's Day but it's not such a happy one. Yesterday I lost her, why? I don't know. I love her with all my heart and I'm sure she had a great reason for leaving me. It seems like since I left in January I've lost a lot of people that meant a lot to me, but she is the one that matters the most. Lately I've been feeling so many different things, a lot of feelings i don't like to feel. For the past two weeks I've been listening to the same voicemail over and over and over again. It says "... I just talked to my dad and I told him what of amazing person you are, how great of person you are and I told him how much I want to be with you, do you know how hard that was, do you understand how much that hurts him?" And that's all I've been hearing in my head. Every second of every day that's all I hear "... do you know how hard that was? do you know how much that hurts him?" I can't stop hearing that in my head and I really wish that i could but I CAN'T. I spoke to her last week and she was so happy. Her parents were finally treating her better all because they think we weren't together. It's been along time since I've heard her parents laugh and be so friendly with her. She said to me " it feels really good to have my parents treat me like this again, but it hurts me because its all because they think I'm not with you anymore, I'm not really sure what to do." To be honest since her and I have been together I haven't stopped hurting. I feel like I've always been in the way of her and her parents. And last week when she said that to me I started hurting even more. There are a lot of times when I want to just run away because I'm ruining their family and I'm the reason for her hardship. I'm tired of crying every night about the same thing. Hell I'm tired of crying about anything and everything. A lot of the times I feel like us being apart is the best thing but to be without her is the worst feeling to ever have. This might just be it for us. I'm so used to losing everything that I love and I don't know why I sometimes expect different with her. On December 12th, 2009 we got engaged. I guess that was me trying to prove to myself that if I wish hard enough my dream will come true, but I'm really good at fucking things up. I'm good at hurting the people that are the closes to me. I've hurt my family and especially my grandmother. Sometimes I hurt people before they hurt me or sometimes its not intentional and that's definitely the case with my fiancee, well my ex-fiancee. Either way I'm good at fucking stuff up. Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize for being myself or a lot of the times I feel as if I'm not good enough. Maybe because my grandmother really made me believe that I won't ever be good enough for people and no matter how hard I try I will always be the mess up and so far shes been perfectly right. I haven't been the same person in so long. I've been feeling myself crumbling at my for a long time. I've been crying every night and that's just not the type of person that I am. The person that I always believed myself to be is just not one for others to be fighting for or fighting to be with. I am a really really damaged person that only knows how to love others more than herself. People say that you can't love others without loving yourself first but i don't believe that. I think I've been doing pretty OK job with loving her.

I think I don't have enough strength left to love her and myself, so rather than loving myself i rather love her. At the present moment this is the worst I've felt. I'm not sure what it is that I've done to hurt her this time but whatever it is I'm sorry. She's the last person that I would EVER want to hurt but it happens sometimes. I'm not going to try and convince her to be with me nor am I going to try and make her talk to me, even though I suffocate without her. Yesterday I took my last real breath. I think its best that she's not with me. Being with me has brought so much pain into her family all because she loves me and trust me I'm definitely not worth all the bullshit she's had to put up with just to be with me.